“May I have your attention, please! The 397th Annual Thanksgiving Turkey Convention is now in session!”
Visiting turkeys from across the United States took their seats as the bird at the microphone continued –
“And now without further ado, your speaker for the evening, a turkey highly regarded for his unflagging leadership in the crusade against the consumption of the Thanksgiving Day turkey, the Honorable Zacharias Smith!”
A round of applause. A large turkey strutted to the microphone.
“Thank you, turkey conventioneers! Tonight, as every year at this time, we come together to renew our undying commitment against tradition, to once more pledge our unwavering support in the struggle against the sorry plight of the Thanksgiving Day turkey!”
“As in the past, this year we face the Thanksgiving holiday with great trepidation. We know, through no fault of our own, as the 23rd of November approaches, we will again experience the wanton decimation of our numbers – the veritable mowing down of our brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers – at the hands of turkey-loving Americans everywhere!”
Cries of outrage.
“To which I say – THIS MUST STOP!”
“NO MORE!!! No more, fellow turkeys, will we obligingly lay our necks down on the chopping block to adorn the holiday table. No more will we sacrifice our numbers to the feeding frenzy that has become synonymous with Thanksgiving! The time is now, turkeys! We must join together! We must unite!”
“To this end, I am pleased to report the success of the following campaigns against our further demise. Member money channeled toward the Cattle Growers Association has produced more television advertising – as well as a four-fold increase in the consumption of beef across the United States!”
“Furthermore, our campaign to promote pork as the ‘Other White Meat’ has led to great success with a tremendous leap in hog sales throughout the Midwest! And money to aquatic research has promoted the large-scale development of fish farms and spurred renewed interest in the potential nutritional values of seaweed, jelly fish and that vicious oceanic predator, the Belgian sea snake!”
“Even our interest in the Bird Feeders Association has held substantial payoffs with the unexpected popularity of that catchy slogan, “Save a Turkey – Shoot a Squirrel!” The sudden drop-off of squirrels at the bird feeder has gotten people to think twice before running to the grocery store and shelling out good money for one of us!”
“Yes, turkeys! Not since 1620 and that fateful landing of the Pilgrims on our easternmost shores, has the outlook for turkeys been so favorable! Today, as at no other time, we have within our grasps the power to take control of our destinies, to plan our futures, to make this world a better, more turkey-friendly place!”
“So take heart, my fellow turkey friends! Go home! Spread the word! Let it be known that we turkeys will no longer submit willingly to the wholesale carnage of our numbers. That no longer is sage dressing, cranberries, and a nice sweet potato side dish acceptable to our honor! That never again will we buy into that rosy image of home, family, and the American way. We are TURKEY! WE WILL PREVAIL!”
The convention center erupted into song!
Over hill, over dale, we will hit the dusty trail,
as our numbers go strutting along!
In and out, hear us shout, “Turkeys Have A Lot of Clout!”
as our numbers go strutting along.
And it’s gobble, gobble, gobble! In the war against tradition!
Eat something else on Turkey Day!
For wherever we go, you will always know!
We are TURKEY and we will PREVAIL!